So Cal Sal is every dumb girl I have ever met. Like the one who actually asked a friend of mine where he kept his ice. So Cal Sal proves that there are such things as dumb questions.


Like, Oh my God, so I went to Washington in D.C.—it’s a city, not a state. Did you know that? Anyway, so I went to visit my sister, she’s really smart. She’s going to doctor school there. There’s two George schools there … then there’s a George bush, but I never saw where that grows. Then I got confused when someone was talking about marion berries. Maybe they grow on George bushes.

Anyway, so she like goes to one of those George doctors schools so I went to visit her. And, oh my God! So while she was at work or school or whatever, I went to museums. There’s this guy who like is so smart he collected all these cool things. There’s like dinosaur bones and like a humongous totally bitchin’ diamond, and all kinds of paintings and stuff. Have you ever heard of him? He doesn’t use like his whole name. All the museums say Smith Son Ian. I thought that was really nice that he like gave credit to his son and stuff. Yeah, Smith Son Ian. Then I think he has a partner, Aaron Space. That guy collects model airplanes and stuff, but like really big ones. I think my dad would like totally be into that.

So they do stuff totally different there. They say the government is there and it’s like running on credit. Well it doesn’t take a genius to figure it out. They don’t know how to make money there. Like all of Ian’s museums are free. I think people would totally pay to see that stuff. Like here in California, we have to practically pay to use the libraries. Like we are so smart in making money.

It was really funny, you know? And then like … Oh my God, wait until you hear this … one day, I was looking for the mall. There were all these signs all over for it, but there was no mall there at all. It was like a big park. Like duh, a mall is where you shop and spend money, and tourists like me totally do that. They just don’t get it, you know? Like money makes the world like totally work.

So, anyway, it was fun to see my sister and stuff, but I totally could not do what she does and like cut people open and stuff. Yecch!

If you go there, take the Metro or a cab, the streets like make no sense. I got totally trapped one day in DuPont Circle. I just kept walking around and just kept seeing all the same stuff. Finally my sister found me.

She lives in a place called Foggy Bottom, which totally sounds like a diaper rash or something. Whatever! I hope the rent’s cheap.

I swear, I have to remember to tell my friend who does remodels that he could totally like make a chunk of change there—cha-ching! Like I would think they are totally ready for remodeling. All the buildings are like totally old. Can you say “ren-o-vate”? Hello! Update the look already. I could not believe all the white buildings. Color could totally brighten that place up.

My sister had signed me up for a White House tour, but I had seen enough white, so I went looking for the mall instead. She kind of got mad at me. She said I would have liked it and learned something about the president. Now he’s got like a totally cool job, working from home and everything. How cool is that? And his wife just sits around and reads books or something. God, lady, why don’t you paint your house or something?

If I lived there I would like at least paint the columns. You could do some totally cute things, you know? Like a candy cane strip at Christmas. I think Martha could totally help her. I bet Martha’s prison cell was even totally cute. Oh wait, can the president’s wife call ex-prisoners? Well, maybe Oprah knows someone who could totally help her. At least watch a show, they totally tell you how to do it, even if you are like totally clueless with no fashion sense. I totally feel like so sorry for people like that, you know what I mean?

Anyway, it was like really fun to visit but I am glad to be home.

Sign up for my e-newsletter

* indicates required

( mm / dd )

This will close in 0 seconds